Esther & Me.

😚

Fri, 24 May 2013 10:44:11 -0400

😚

My Internet isn’t working. So if you could just shoot me now that would be greaaaaat.

Tue, 21 May 2013 20:36:57 -0400

My Internet isn’t working. So if you could just shoot me now that would be greaaaaat.

Esther is honestly the most beautiful soul I have ever met.

Tue, 21 May 2013 13:38:01 -0400

Esther is honestly the most beautiful soul I have ever met.

Drinking Kailua and milk on a deck. This weekend really has been...

Sun, 19 May 2013 17:30:02 -0400

Drinking Kailua and milk on a deck. This weekend really has been pretty awesome.

There is an acoustic guitar. Summer 2013, I like you.

Sat, 18 May 2013 23:18:44 -0400

There is an acoustic guitar. Summer 2013, I like you.

My child is afraid of bubbles. Haha

Sat, 18 May 2013 14:49:03 -0400

My child is afraid of bubbles. Haha

This is beautiful.

Fri, 17 May 2013 23:22:46 -0400

This is beautiful.

Not exactly where I wanted to be spending this beautiful day.. 😒

Thu, 16 May 2013 16:23:42 -0400

Not exactly where I wanted to be spending this beautiful day.. 😒

Esther looks very punk rock today. Her shoes remind me of...

Thu, 16 May 2013 13:45:39 -0400

Esther looks very punk rock today. Her shoes remind me of ‘creepers’. That makes me very very happy. We went to our mum group this morning and one of the ladies said she thought Esther looked a lot like me today. Just wait till I get you your leather skirt and a pair of dr martens. Child, I tell yeah, we may be weird.. But fuck we look good doing it.

And then there are nights. Sometimes I forget the way you smell and it makes me nervous. It makes...

Thu, 16 May 2013 00:08:13 -0400

And then there are nights.

Sometimes I forget the way you smell and it makes me nervous. It makes me want to remember the way she says my name and the feeling of warm rain on my skin. My skin doesn’t feel the same. I wonder if you notice. I climbed a tree today. When I was above everyone with branches catching in my hair, I didn’t want to get down. I wanted to breathe. I couldn’t get down on my own. There was the risk of being hurt when I reached the ground. Where was your hand to grab mine? I didn’t crash into the grass. My hand reached out and I let go.. Where was your hand to grab mine? I landed softly and continued on with my day. The way my feet felt touching earth again, the way my hand was empty but my heart was full. Where was your hand to grab mine? Your hand is there. Mine is here. Love, wherever your hand is.. It’s just one of those nights.

"1. There will be several days that you daydream about stepping in front of a city bus. Don’t. It..."

Wed, 15 May 2013 21:50:00 -0400

“

1. There will be several days that you daydream about stepping in front of a city bus. Don’t. It will not be beautiful. It will not be brave. It will be selfish. It will be broken. Your mother will cry.

2. Don’t write for him. Write for you. Write for others like you. Write so the girl that thinks about stepping in front of public transportation doesn’t. Don’t be selfish.

3. When you will yourself to sleep and it doesn’t come- get up. It doesn’t matter that it’s 3 am. There will be other 3 am’s. Take a shower. Take two. Wash him out of your hair. Write a poem. Read the same book you’ve read 202 times again. The 203rd time might tell you something different. Don’t stay in bed- you will think about the bus again.

4. Don’t kiss him because he’s broken. Don’t kiss him because his laughter never reaches his eyes. Don’t try and fix him. Fix yourself first. Be selfish. He can’t save you.

5. Date yourself. Take yourself out to eat. Don’t share your popcorn at the movies with anyone. Stroll around an art museum alone. Fall in love with canvases. Fall in love with yourself.

6. Dress up and wear red lipstick and get drunk with your friends. They’re the ones that will pick you up. Don’t kiss him. Or him. Don’t fall asleep on strange couches with strange boys. When his hand slides up your dress walk away. Hit him. Don’t kiss him. He can’t save you.

7. Get another tattoo. Get five more. Get another hole in your ear. Don’t listen to your dad. You will still be able to get a job. Did you really want to be employed by someone like your father? Haven’t you had enough of judgmental old white men anyway? Get fuck you tattooed in tiny letters on your hip.

8. When you feel the yearning for a new city- start over. Take 200 bucks and a three suitcases. Work anywhere that will have you. Meet strange people and forget your name. Call yourself Ruby. No one will know the difference. Remember to call your mother. Don’t be selfish. Come home when you find yourself in the strangers and the small one bedroom apartment.

9. Don’t whisper evil things into your own ear. Other people are going to shout them at you. Be your own hero. Keep a sword on your key ring.

10. Don’t step in front of a city bus. It will not be beautiful. Live. Stay up all night with a boy that promises you everything and means it. Live. See shitty local bands with a friend. Wear a different band’s t-shirt. No one will care. Live. Have a baby girl with tiny fingers and tiny toes someday. Pour love into her until it’s overflowing. Live. Wake up. Staying in bed all day is not poetic.

Live. Live.

Live.

Do you hear that? It’s me. It’s your life. Wake up.

”

- (via provingmyexistence)

This is one of the most wonderful things I have ever read.
I will be re reading this all night.

Sometimes I’m an adult and I like garden and shit…

Wed, 15 May 2013 12:21:42 -0400

Sometimes I’m an adult and I like garden and shit…

Mother’s Day 2013. The whole weekend was my gift, or so I like...

Tue, 14 May 2013 14:48:22 -0400

Mother’s Day 2013.

The whole weekend was my gift, or so I like to think. I did get a wonderful card that morning. It was Elmo and Esther even signed it herself. It couldn’t have been more perfect. Patrick took us out for a delicious sushi dinner. I ate so much I thought I was going to throw up. I got to sleep in for the most part all weekend and even got to take some naps. We spent a lot of time with family and ate cake and fruit. I went out for some drinks with friends and had a good laugh. Sometimes being a mother feels like a chore. Sometimes I wonder if I’m even doing a decent job. Most of the time I’m living my life so someone else can be happy. That’s what being a mother is. Hearing Esther call me mum makes everything worth it. Mother’s Day was good. I am so happy I get to call Esther my own. I am so fucking happy I get to be her mother. Forever and always, to the moon and back.

I’m watching the hockey game. Toronto scored and I got so excited I screamed. It scared Esther...

Mon, 13 May 2013 20:17:48 -0400

I’m watching the hockey game. Toronto scored and I got so excited I screamed. It scared Esther and she almost cried. I don’t think she’s the biggest hockey fan yet. Haha

‘wish you were here’

Mon, 13 May 2013 16:28:30 -0400

‘wish you were here’

"You’re still going to get criticized, so you might as well do whatever the fuck you want."

Sat, 11 May 2013 13:38:58 -0400

“You’re still going to get criticized, so you might as well do whatever the fuck you want.”

- Kathleen Hanna (via moonbrains)

I am proud of myself. I have so many emotions and thoughts going through my head at this moment....

Sat, 11 May 2013 02:33:47 -0400

I am proud of myself.

I have so many emotions and thoughts going through my head at this moment. Seriously, so many fucking things are going on in my head right now. My eyes hurt from crying, I just giggled out loud though. I can’t stop shaking cause my anxiety is through the roof, but I’m content where I am. I am angry at the world for being so hard. I actually had a really wonderful day all in all.

I am dealing with everything in such a calm and really thought out manner. Sometimes I surprise myself with how proud I really am of how far I’ve come. Things are shitty, shitty things are always going to happen. I am also always going to have at least one reason to smile. That right there folks is why I don’t care that my eyes hurt and I have mascara on my chin. I am going to smoke a cigarette and probably go to bed. I may even sleep in tomorrow. Because I fucking can. That is a pretty good reason to smile.

Sometimes I get that feeling where nothing is going to work out....

Thu, 09 May 2013 19:32:05 -0400

Sometimes I get that feeling where nothing is going to work out. I am always going to be thinking the same thoughts. I am always going to sad over the same things. I am always going to be stuck in the cycle you put me in. Than I remember that tank girl exists. I remember that she makes me smile. I can drink a beer and smile because I can read words and taste things that make me happy. I can be happy about things that are not you. Don’t get me wrong love, you make me happy. It’s just tank girl and beer never make me sad. You, you can make me so so sad.

turklet: the moral of the story is never have feelings for anybody ever

Thu, 09 May 2013 08:38:46 -0400

turklet:

the moral of the story is never have feelings for anybody ever

😎

Wed, 08 May 2013 17:56:12 -0400

😎